The Best Ever Book of Newcastle United Jokes: Lots and Lots of Jokes Specially Repurposed for You-Know-Who
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The Best Ever Book of Newcastle United Jokes: Lots and Lots of Jokes Specially Repurposed for You-Know-Who
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Q: What has the Stadium of Light on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison? The barman says, “Wow that is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a goal?”
I was in a play on the TV once, it was one of those suspense plays. It kept you wondering: what’s on the other channels?” – Les Dawson Non Geordie translation: to be told off or get into trouble, usually by a parent, boss or other authority figureThe Brownies are very woke these days. They have a ’smashing the patriarchy’ badge. If you win it, your dad has to sew it onto your uniform." Lucy Porter There's also "gan canny, man", a generic farewell term implying take care or take it easy. Geordie saying: Giz a bag o'crisps
Donna, 20, of Newcastle: “I didn’t know Sunderland were dressing as pink seats this year. Don’t make a sound in the stadium do they?” I've learnt that saying "Oh, this old thing?" isn't an appropriate way to introduce an elderly relative." Glenn Moore Translation: The raspberry or strawberry flavour sauce used to garnish ice cream cones sold from a van.The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys. I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.” – Sarah Millican People think it always rains in Manchester. Not true, though I admit it’s the only town in the country with a lifeboat drill on the bus routes.” – Les Dawson
Did you hear about the disgruntled but dim Geordie fan, unhappy with the current regime? He held a protest outside Laura Ashley’s! I’ve had some bad news about the wife’s wealthy uncle who’s ill in hospital. He’s recovering. I went to see him last week. I said: “Is there anything I can do for you?” He said: “Only one thing. Take your foot off the oxygen tube.” – Les Dawson (Photo: BBC) Alisson, Ibrahima Konaté, Joël Matip, Andy Robertson, Trent Alexander-Arnold, Jordan Henderson, Thiago Alcántara ( James Milner), Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain ( Naby Keita), Diogo Jota, Sadio Mané, Mohamed Salah ( Roberto Firmino).Some dialect has been around for donkeys and is still used today, but plenty of old phrases have fallen out of fashion since we heard our parents and grandparents coming out with them. Kids take ages to grow. The average Brit doesn't move out for 26.3 years. Do you know how long it takes the average harp seal to move out? Twelve days. Most Brits haven't even learned to drink by then.” Robyn Perkins The phrase is often used to tell an impatient person to take their time, (literally “hold your patience”). The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron, What would you be then?" My favourite pub game is snooker. Any game whose rules basically amount to finding a table covered in mess and slowly and methodically putting it all away out of sight is one with which I can empathise emphatically.” – Jon Richardson (Photo: BBC)
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"Mike Feary, from Bedlington: During the Wear Tyne Derby at the Stadium of Light, a 50p piece was thrown onto the pitch during the match,Sunderland’s board are still trying to decide if it was a missile or a takeover bid. NUFCTakeover– My understanding is that I haven’t got a clue. But something may or may not be communicated about the future of #NUFC at a point in the future, or not. A Primary school teacher explains to her class that she is an Newcastle United supporter. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Newcastle United supporters, too. My friend says you haven't lived until you've tasted his homemade carbonara. Weird stance on abortion, if you ask me.” Andy Field
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