Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

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I feel overwhelmed," Kim said, burying her head in her hands. She had started seeing me two weeks after she had returned from her honeymoon. Newly married and excelling in her career, Kim prided herself on being the best at everything she did, but her worries about getting it all done had become all-consuming. She was depleted and dreaded getting out of bed in the morning. She not only was determined to be the best for herself, but she also always showed up as the "best" for others: the best friend, best daughter, best sister, best coworker. Now she wanted to be the best wife. And someday, the best mother. Being the best for Kim meant always saying yes. Saying no was mean. Saying no was selfish. She came to me hoping to figure out how to do more without feeling so exhausted. Hi, I'm Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed therapist and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace and Drama Free. Thoughts of fleeing-"I wish I could drop everything and run away"-are a sign of extreme avoidance. Fantasies of spending your days alone, ignoring calls, or hiding means you are seeking avoidance as the ultimate answer. But creating boundaries is the only real-life solution. I also found it strange that nearly all of her examples of boundaries are telling what the other person should do. I'm going to share these in Tawwab's favorite format: a list. If you tell me that the work that I'm doing for you for free is not good enough, I will probably redo it all. If you demand that I move out of my own home and let you move in, I can't say that I will agree, necessarily, but I'm definitely not sure that I will refuse. And look, now that you've heard that on this podcast, please don't test me on it.

When a major or minor boundary violation occurs, Tawwab recommends that you immediately reassert your boundary. If you’re not okay with how someone is treating you, speak up immediately. If you experience a major violation and the other person continues behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable after you reassert your boundary, you may need to leave the situation altogether. Shortform note: In addition to exercising discipline, you should also treat yourself compassionately as you learn to set boundaries with yourself. Like anyone else, you’ll struggle and make mistakes as you adjust to new boundaries. It will naturally take some time for you to break from habits, and accepting this can help keep you from becoming discouraged and unmotivated.) Step 3: Take Action to Reinforce Your BoundariesSet Boundaries, Find Peace’ should be a required reading before we reach adulthood! Whether it’s through family or social conditioning, the vast majority of us have incorporated poor boundaries into some or all areas of our lives. The cost for us not having healthy boundaries is great! This book will help. If you don’t have time for something that you want to do, you don’t have healthy boundaries with time." Shortform note: Sometimes, people who repeatedly violate your boundaries do so in an attempt to get a response from you, much like a playground bully. If you’re dealing with a bully, it can be helpful to ignore that person entirely. By refusing to argue or engage, you deny them the satisfaction of knowing they’ve made you upset, which will make them less likely to try the same tactic in the future.) The bottom line is that you don’t have to have relationships with types of people you don’t like. Doing so is a choice."

Shortform note: When correcting unwanted behaviors, some authors suggest that taking a positive approach to the conversation will make it easier for the other person to accept your boundaries. Avoid scolding the other person; instead, express your confidence in them, and encourage them to do better next time.) So before the pandemic, people were, “So like every weekend I have a party, I have a this, I have a that, I have a this.” And I'm like, “You can say no to these things.” And people found so much pleasure in the, in the pandemic, unfortunately, just by being able to not have to go to all of these social obligations or even family gatherings. Not every workplace conflict can be solved by boundary-setting. If your workplace includes toxic behaviors such as sexual harassment or wage theft, and those behaviors continue even after you communicate your boundaries, you may need to take other actions. Specifically, Tawwab advises that you document misbehavior, reach out to human resources and management (if they’re sympathetic), and consider finding a new job if necessary. Can you define enmeshment for us? Just ‘cause it's a term that I had never heard before I read your book.

Shortform note: While major and minor boundary violations differ in severity, minor violations can still cause serious harm, and should be taken seriously. For instance, while they may be minor compared to other forms of aggression, subtle racial remarks known as microaggressions can negatively impact the mental health of their targets. When you’re repeatedly subjected to microaggressions, you may become depressed and experience diminished cognitive function and productivity. Thus, these minor violations are worth setting boundaries around.) Nggak cuma sekali, tapi berkali-kali ditanya hal serupa. Selain jadi mbak kantoran, aku juga mengelola komunitas, & (otw) menjadi kreator konten buku/bookfluencer. In this empowering guide, licensed therapist and bestselling relationship expert Nedra Glover Tawwab offers clear advice for identifying dysfunctional family patterns and choosing the best path to breaking the cycle and moving forward.