Gary Bushell On The Box

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Random irritations: Soul-sapping two-hour long murder mysteries with potty plots. This Is My House – this is utter cobblers, why do we care? Snowflake Mountain. SMALL Joys of TV: Wanda Vision (Disney+). Dee Snider in Cobra Kai. Tricia Helfer, BSG. Hugh Laurie in The Night Manager (BBC4). Life On Mars and Gene Hunt (Drama). July 4. SHANNON Singh was the first one out of Love Island. A shame. Shannon likes sex “eight times a day”, so for close friends it must have made a nice change to see her standing up. THE male fig wasp has a telescopic penis that’s twice its body length (A Perfect Planet). Eat your heart out, Naked Attraction! Granted fig wasps mate with their unhatched sisters but that’s the countryside for you.

Bushell Garry Bushell

Brian Cox’s Logan is part Rupert Murdoch and part King Lear in need of a swear box. Kendall is a self-regarding berk. I felt for young, likeable Bukayo Saka who has been left nursing a pain that will never quite leave him. He’d played well too. Roll on the World Cup! Will The Masked Comedian follow? Could work, with audiences judging stand-ups by their gags alone. The drips on The Last Leg would drop like flies. HOT on TV: Bosch (AmPrime)... Clarkson’s Farm... Murder At The Cottage (SkyDocs) – true crime, but with an almost poetic quality.

Before long they were in the wine cellar where the nanny’s scarlet scanties gave new meaning to savouring a tasty red. REALITY show of the Year: Tiger King – the stranger-than-fiction story of charismatic zoo owner Joe Exotic – a life of big cats, bad mullets, bitter accusations and murder plots. To call it a jaw-dropping freakshow would be to undersell it. As one leading tiger observed, it was “grrreat!” Joe is currently serving a 22years in a Texas penitentiary after trying to hire an undercover Federal agent to assassinate his nemesis, Carole Baskin.

Garry Bushell Garry Bushell

JANINE should take over the Vic. That tongue of hers is so forked she could use it to open wine bottles.

Friends was so full of sharp, snappy lines you didn’t care that the sassy six could never have afforded their plush Greenwich Village pads.

THE Trollocs on Wheel Of Time are the hairiest horny beasts since Motley Crue. Doctor Who, in contrast, is just a load of old Trollocs. They’ve ruined the Weeping Angels by having them inhabit people’s minds and speak – so much for silent menace. A shame, the FX as the village eroded into space were terrific.Celeb travelogues can be a breath of fresh air, but not when Miriam’s breaking wind like Jim Royle on a bean-and-stout diet. No wonder the old farts at Bafta love her. BEST exchange – Starmer: “Mum and dad rescued donkeys.” Piers: “Is that what made you become leader of the Labour Party?” For the ass, see Owen Jones. THE Abyss was on TV this week. A powerful machine sinking to terrible depths. You might know it better as Southgate’s England squad.

LOKI has “a female variant”. What next, The Hulk in high heels and an off-the-shoulder Sally Lapointe? Dr Strange could soon get a whole lot stranger... THE Handmaid’s Tale is so depressing I had to watch Time again straight afterwards to perk myself up. The series overtook the book yonks ago, so producers just cranked up the agony: Wince as June’s wound is cauterised with a red-hot iron, weep for child bride Esther whose husband let other men rape her, and whoop when one of the creeps is caught, castrated and killed. Top TV Sex: Marianne and Connell, Normal People. Weirdest sex: Letitia’s erotic nightmare on Lovecraft Country where Tic’s manhood became a living cobra – a literal trouser snake, with fangs... for the mammaries. Worst TV cooking show dishes: Nigella’s banana skin curry, and her mashed-up fish fingers served in gunge.

Random Irritations: VAR, VAR and more VAR. People who can’t time the button press on Tipping Point. “Real Housewives” who’ve never come close to housework. SEX/Life’s big talking point is Brad’s old chap, so big it has its own elbow. How long is it, asked my wife? Eight episodes, I replied diplomatically. QUIP of the week from Terry Cant: “He’s as happy as a bloke with haemorrhoids on the Tour de France.” BILLIE’S magic boobs amaze me. She’s breastfeeding but they’re pert and perfect with permanently erect nipples, so hard they could take your eye out. You’d buy a hat just to hang it on one of them.